Identity

I had one of those a ha moments yesterday.  They have happened several times in my life.  Usually it is a feeling that grows into a conviction about something.  Its never really a lot of fun but in the end the pain and suffering is worth it.

Some time in the last several years I have become a person I do not recognize.  I have allowed things to take over my life and slowly tear down the person that I am and define me.

When we moved to texas over two years ago it was no secret that it was not where I wanted to be.  I miss my family and friends so much and I love being there.  However I have allowed living in texas and being unhappy about it define me.  A part of me will always want to move back and I know the likelihood of that changing is small.  But me being unhappy living in Texas does not define the person that I am or the quality of life I live.  ( To all my texas people I love you guys a ton!)  I don't want to look back on my life with regret of having a bad attitude or not living life to the fullest!

As most of you know we have been trying to have a baby for a while.  I have wanted to be a mom for so long.  I don't think I have ever wanted anything more in my life.  Its been a rough journey so far with lots and lots of tears, prayers and more tears.  I believe in Gods timing and provision in my life.  Why?  Because he has never failed and he never will.  Our struggle with infertility has changed me and the person I am not in a good way.  I have become bitter, jealous, angry and just plain crazy at times.  Its not fair that people are having babies that are not married or abuse their children.  But life is not fair, it was never promised that it would be fair or easy.  This may not make sense and I know I'm rambling.   But I feel like for the first time yesterday I finally gave it over to God.  That doesn't mean there will be times that I will feel sad or struggle to have that sense of control.  But I now realize I cant do it on my own and this struggle can not define me as a person or my marriage for that matter.  We have decided to stop taking the hormones.  So now we wait.  We wait for God to bless us in his timing, even if that means living in Texas forever and not have any children.  Now I feel like I can slowly get back to the person I am.