I have written this post in my head many times before (and no its not about justin beiber). For those of you who have known me longer than others your know I have always wanted to be a mom. Even at a young age I saw myself with 2 maybe 3 kids. This is not a situation where I just feel like its time to start a family or all of our friends are having kids why shouldn't we. This is a God given desire that has been placed on my heart.
When I found the love of my life I was so excited to know this man would be the father of my children. About a year and a half ago I started tracking my daily waking temperature (which I highly recommend). After tracking your temperature for a while you can start to see patterns. It's really amazing how God designed our bodies. I started to notice that my patterns were not looking like they should to produce a baby. My amazing obgyn said to come back in may (next month if we were not pregnant). In January I was beginning to get frustrated with my charts and the fact that we were not pregnant yet so I decided to make an appointment early. After looking at my charts my obgyn confirmed my worst fear at the time. In the last year I have had probably 2 decent ovulations, 5 maybes and rest not at all. Hearing him say that it took my breath away (and not in a good way). Its a very odd feeling to know that your body is having an issue doing something that is so natural for others. He immediately started me on a hormone to force my body to ovulate called clomid. For those of you who have taken this or know someone who has taken it Im sorry. I seriously wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Month one on clomid consisted of waiting for the ticking time bomb to go off. We were not really sure whay to expect you hear so many horror stories from people who have beem on clomid. Obviously medication can have different side effects on different people. My main side effects with clomid have been headaches and mood swings. I have basically had a headache for 3 months. Its not to the point of a fullnblown migrane but notheless very unpleasamt. I'm really thinking about buying stock in ibuprofen. The mood swings are not good and fortunately only the people closest to me have to see them. My poor husband deserves a metal for lovingly understanding when I cry for 3 hours straight or flip out because the tv is too loud. Our first round of clomid did not end up in pregnancy but my obgyn had high hopes that I may have actually ovulated.
Month two I took the clomid for 5 days near the begging of my cycle just like the month before. This last month had the same side effects that made me feel like a crazy person. The second round was a little more discouraging because I had really high hopes for my first month. I could tell even before I went to the doctor that my chart did not look good. Jonathan did get to meet my doctor which was awesome.
Month three starts today. This month I will be taking clomid for 7 days instead of 5. Im trying to enjoy my last few days again before symptoms start showing up. We are hoping and praying that this month it works. We committed to doing at least 3 months of clomid before going to a fertility specialist for more testing and other options. If my charts look good this month we may try one more but we will just have to see how this month goes. We have some plans in action but we know that God has the ultimate control.
I am so blessed to have an amazing husband who has lovingly wrapped me in his arms (even when I have been not so nice to him.) Through this whole thing he has encouraged me and lifted me up. Although we are both far from perfect I am so blessed that he is in my life, the good bad and ugly. He has truley become a great spiritual leader, and contiuely reminds me to give everything over to God.
If you are still reading this I appreciate it. I know it's been long. I know some of you may be sick of hearing me vent and complain. I want to ask one thing of you. Please be in prayer for Jonathan and I. We both wholeheartedly believe that God listens to us even though we may sometimes feel alone. We know God can and will work miracles in our life's. And we need your support. We are so new to this process and do not know where it will take us. But we covet your prayers.
God has been present to me so many times in this journey so far.I would like to share 3 specific ones. I mentioned my doctor earlier and how amazing it is. Before we started the 2nd month of clomid I was at my doctor and he could tell I was getting emotional. He shut his office door and asked me about my faith. For the next 30 minutes he shed tears with me, expressed areas in his life even that need to be given over to God and prayed over me. I know we are in the bible belt now but that is truley amazing.
I started reading the book Baby Hunger by Beth Forbus. It offers biblical encouragement for those struggling with infertility. I have already finished it but Jonathan and I are currently reading it together. I bought the book off amazon because no stores in our area carried in. When I opened the book a note fell out from the seller. To summarize it said that this man and his wife struggled with infertility. They encouraged us in Gods ultimate plan for our us. (they are also now pregnant with twins.) Coincidences like this don't just happen for a reason.
God is also blessing us through other couples who have struggled with infertility. These people have been so gracious to tell us their own stories and give us encouragement. I cannot tell you how much that has meant to me. I hope one day that we will be able to help others because of what we have gone through. Because that's what we are here for right?
We know God has the ultimate plan for us and his timing is far better than we could ever imagine. I have known that all along but at times it doesn't necessarily make it any easier. I know we are young and still have time, but at times it doesn't necessarily make it any easier. Some days are easier than others, but what makes it easiest is to know I have a heavenly father that is present with me saying I am with you always.
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